My friends Steve and Cynthia Wine recently sent me their annual Christmas letter, which is always very funny and self-deprecating. This year’s missive featured tabloid headlines about their activities in 2013.

I ripped off their idea and wrote these headlines about my life in China:

TEACHER RESCUED BY NAKED JANITOR: After working late in my office one night, I tried to leave the building and found the front door was bolted shut. I woke up the janitor, who came out of his room stark naked and unlocked the door for me. I didn’t shake his hand.

TOURIST CONNED BY DRAGON LADY: During a trip to Beijing, I went to a bar with a Chinese woman I met at McDonald’s, had a couple bottles of wine and got handed a bill for $1,400. She obviously mistook me for Bill Gates.

FOREIGNER BLAMED FOR OVERFLOWING TOILET: My toilet kept overflowing until someone told me you can’t put toilet paper in a Chinese commode because of the primitive plumbing system. This explains the one-child policy.

MASSEUSE RUBS WRONG BODY PART: I went for a massage, but the masseuse would only rub my feet. When I gestured toward my neck, she handed me a pillow.

NBA PLAYERS TEACH CHINESE KIDS HOW TO CURSE: While playing pickup basketball at my school, one of my teammates kept shouting “fuck’’ every time he missed a shot. When I asked him where he learned that word, he said, “I watch the NBA on TV.’’

STUDENT MISTAKES TEACHER FOR OLD SCOTTISH ACTOR: One of my female students said I reminded her of James Bond. I think she meant the way Sean Connery looks now.

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VAMPIRES REPORTEDLY RAMPAGING IN CHINA: While visiting a museum in Zhengzhou, I met a teenager who told me he heard there were vampires in the city. I told him if he wanted to see real bloodsuckers, he should come to New York.

CROOKED CAB DRIVER SCREAMS AT PASSENGER:  My Beijing taxi driver drove me around in circles after we got close to my hotel. When I refused to pay the full fare, he started yelling at me in Chinese. I believe he was saying, “Have a nice day.’’

HITLER, RAMBO INVADE CHINESE CLASSROOMS: The list of strange English names adopted by Chinese students includes these real and fictional people: Hitler, Rambo, Manson, Caesar, Ringo, Spartacus, Plato, Timberlake and Jane Eyre. Charlotte Bronte must be so proud.

BUS DRIVER SAYS MEDITATION CAN CURE GRIDLOCK:  During a visit to Xi’an to see the Terracotta Warriors, my bus got caught in a massive traffic jam and barely budged for two hours. When passengers complained, the driver told them to meditate. One passenger meditated by slapping him on the head.

AMERICAN FAILS TO GET SNEAKER TIP FROM YAO: I had a hard time finding a pair of size 13 sneakers in Zhengzhou. One sales clerk suggested I call Yao Ming and ask him where he got his sneakers. Unfortunately, he didn’t have Yao’s number.